VORYUUL - Night 12
So, the light is low, even though the solstice is not until Saturday, Yuul begins tomorrow at sunset by Urglaawe reckoning. Also, the sunrise time is 07:17 and sunset time tonight and tomorrow are both 16:36 in Bristol, so this is about as short as the days get.
The second stag has relinquished his light. The altar is plunged into darkness. Outside, the frigid temperatures mirror the coldness of the resting stags. Voryuul is drawing to a close.
Tonight's musing has my head in a spin. Hearkening back to Night 3's hope (which I later described as an "absurd hope" and a "useless hope" because not all things can be fixed, what happens when that hope suddenly seems to be within reach again without one's own instigation?
This is classic shadow side for me. I know better. I know when something is broken and can't be fixed, yet I am a fixer. I am that insipid peacemaker, Libra-seeking-balance-at-all-costs wistful dreamer. The opportunity to correct mistakes of the past is more alluring to me than the One Ring is to Gollum. And so the utopian visions commence of everyone holding hands and finding peace and joy (or at least contentment) in one another's presence. A big part of me is sounding alarms more furiously than my hand on the cowbell during the Parade of Spirits.
Yet... When an opportunity presents itself and there is a chance to repair something that you were partially responsible for breaking, should it be ignored because it is the shadow side doing the thinking? One side of the scales says to cut losses because things will never change. The other side says that "never" is a very long time, and it is always worth the effort to try to make amends. The actual solution is likely somewhere in a continuum of options between the balance and the counterbalance, yet it rips my mind apart trying to figure out the right answer.
Sometimes the biggest hex one can receive is the fulfillment of a wish or the reigniting of a hope. Or it can be the biggest blessing. Berchta is either rewarding me or kicking my ass again. What to do?
I spent enough time on my shadow side during these twelve nights to recognize what is going on. I know what the shadows are doing to me. I know the fix-it drive. I know the approval-seeking and the desire to take advantage of an opportunity. Those are not the best reasons to take a chance. However, I also do believe in allowing for change, learning from past mistakes while still being compassionate, and that caring for myself also means looking at all sides of an issue to strike the balance between what I want and what is really in my best interests. I am such a freaking Libra... lol
Thus, I will proceed cautiously, respectfully, and with an eye toward balance. Ultimately, all of this mental masturbation over the past twelve nights has resulted in illumination for me... Some of it is positive; some of it is negative, but I have some resolutions to consider in the New Year.
Tomorrow Yuul officially begins, and I can begin to celebrate the rebirth and the things in my life that bring me joy.
Thank you all for being on this bizarre ride through my mind. I hope that some of my explorations and musings have helped you to get to know yourself and your motivations better.
Hail to the Voryuul! May it go quietly and not turn back. :D