Those of you who know me know I am, by far, more of a conflict-avoidant peacemaker than anything, but tonight's shadow side discussion relates to a side of me I really do not like and that I have worked hard over the past two decades to keep in check. However, it does appear from time to time, particularly when I feel unjustly accused of something or when people misread my motives, and it results in conflict. This one is a difficult topic for me, but, since it is Voryuul and I am working to be as honest with myself and with my community as possible, here goes.
Tonight's meditation has actually been in my head all day today. It started with the question, "What do you do when you win the battle but lose the war?" By "battle" here I do not mean literal battle (though that could certainly apply here as well). Instead, I mean the struggles that we encounter with unstable friendships/relationships or the strains of improving one's career or whatever it is that we find ourselves vying to attain.
My mind may tell me to cut my losses and move forward, but my shadow side (redoubted by my thymus gland) tells me that I should not acquiesce that which I have gained in the battle that I won... This is a horrible state of affairs because it leads to inner conflict, ambivalence, and an abject distraction from determining what right action is in the particular circumstance.
From there, my meditation leads me to Pyrrhic victories. Those are the wars you win but at such high cost to yourself that you probably would have been better off losing to begin with.
The two have a lot in common. They are both "in for a penny, in for a pound" situations. Once I've set off on the attempt to protect the figurative battle victory by continuing to fight a war I have already lost, all that remains is collapse and disaster.
The Pyrrhic scenario is no better; it is almost worse, really. Whatever the battle was, it likely caused an upheaval not only within myself but within the others involved. They are harmed, and for what? So I can watch as my victory is not blessed by the gods or by the forebears? Was the conflict even worth the fight? That is where clarity (or lack thereof) of right action plays a critical role. Some wars are worth fighting. Some are not.
But, when the war is over and I have already lost so much (even if victorious), can I just stop? Usually, yes. Actually, I usually avoid conflict to begin with, but, if I experience even the slightest feeling of injustice at the result, then the twin of that absurd hope (Night 3) will appear unless I am able to keep it contained.
The hope I described the other night is problematic, but it really is based in a desire to heal rifts. Its twin, though... not so much. Actually, not at all. This is where that hope begins to take on aspects of desperation. I have to prove that I am right or that I did no wrong. Protecting or recovering that victory takes on an exaggerated importance to the point where it governs my waking thoughts and speaks to me in my dreams. This is one reason I am so careful with my Hexerei because I could, all too easily, inflict harm.
Frankly, I am suspecting that improper handling of this sort of thing is a major contributor to the recent escalation in the intensity of my migraines. I do not think it is the cause, but it almost certainly contributed to them. Of course, the adverse reaction to the medicine did not help either.
The migraines are gone at this time, but the shadowy impulses are still lurking in the depths of my psyche. There are conflicts that I need to let go of; in the grand scheme of things, they are senseless and not particularly important. They could become important, though, if I don't turn my mind's eye away from them and focus on the things that are actually worth pursuing. Yet that need to protect the minor victory remains.
Fortunately, I am not weighed down by this sort of thing often, but it is important for me to examine the function of this behavior.
I am a bit shocked at how much clarity has come to me during this particular meditation time. There is no need to worry about me; this post is simply me being honest with myself during the Voryuul period of introspection.
May Ziu bring wisdom and clarity to all of us as we confront the hard realities of ourselves, and may Berchta ease up on kicking my ass for just a bit. It's a bit sore now. :)
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