Tonight I am meditating upon one of the most painful aspects of human existence: acceptance of loss of relationships: friends, lovers, spouses, etc. I am fortunate in many ways when it comes to a strong, stable home life, but the echoes of lost or damaged relationships have a tendency to resound from the past into the present, and the reverberations shake me up periodically. Trying to find the positive aspects about lost relationships is very difficult, particularly for people like me who always hold a hope somewhere deep in the psyche that everything can be worked out if everyone just were able to speak rationally to each other.
Expecting rationality in all circumstances is, of course, irrational. Some things cannot be repaired, and some things are not even worthy of the attempt. Yet that hope remains, and the dissonance created by utopian aspirations against the hard realities used to plunge me into states of melancholy that the Germans call Weltschmerz. As I have gotten older and somewhat wiser, I do not fall into that trap as frequently. I know I am an odd duck because I still believe in humanity and still aspire to people treating one another kindly.
However, defining “kindly” is difficult. One person’s meat is another’s poison. Not all conflict is bad; it often results in growth and learning.
This glimmer of hope on the surface would seem like a bright or enlightened feature. The reality is, though, that the continual (or continuous) dashing of that hope activates many shadow side traits that end up holding back the growth that is needed. It was not until I shifted my mindset to Urglaawe that I really began to understand that, yes, sometimes my niceness really IS weakness.
There are things for which I need to dispel that useless hope so I may more boldly continue onward in my journey with lessons learned and wisdom attained. That does not mean I will not continue to be nice; it just means I need to be more conscious of whether my niceness is coming from rationality and strength or from irrational hopes and weakness.
Dealing with these inner conflicts forces us all to face the shadow sides of ourselves, and this is one of the purposes of the Voryuul period. Tonight I feel like I struck a nerve within myself, and that pain is part of the process of being figuratively reborn.