Monday, December 16, 2019

VORYUUL - Night 9


Here's one that has cost me some relationships in the past. Compartmentalization can be a very useful tool, actually, so why is this turning up as part of a meditation on the shadow side?

Well, that is what I am hoping to find out by being honest with myself about it (this is, after all, a Voryuul musing). Compartmentalization is not uncommon among people born under the Baer moon, much like it is fairly common among Libras. The dictionary defines it as "the division of something into sections or categories," which sounds innocuous enough, but let's dig deeper... right into the shadows.

It is actually the assignment of people, tasks, emotions, hobbies, everything into an individual box within the mind. Whether any of those boxes are ever opened at the same time or not becomes a really laborious task of the mind to process. The what-ifs and the risks are almost always given a higher priority than the benefits. Keeping things in their separate compartments in the mind and in the physical world is safer. It makes it a lot easier not to hold grudges (which I typically do not, but see Night 3's meditation for the sucky side of that). It leads to the ability to separate love and sex (which is a rabbit hole until itself until the compartments accidentally get opened at the same time), and it allows me to see all sides of all issues within the context of their own compartments (definitely a Libra thing). It allows for a separation between work and home, which is positive because I rarely bring my work troubles through my threshold, but it also has historically had a minimizing effect of not allowing work friends to become too familiar with my life outside of work. This continues to this day, though the paradigm has begun to shift.

I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I was told that in almost every job I ever held. It is true in one sense. Within that work compartment, the emotions I am feeling are generally apparent (this has changed as I have matured). However, the background to the emotion may be merely a projection -- a convenient screen -- for tumult that is taking place in a different compartment. However, I cannot be open about that compartment because it exposes me to potential danger. 

During my recent migraine spates, several compartments that should have stayed isolated opened simultaneously, and their contents merged. The disruption from the migraines themselves and from the adverse reaction to the meds led to some lapses in judgment that really shook up my conscious self. During this meditative time, I am wondering whether I would have benefited from being more open across the compartments when I was in full control of my faculties, but some of that is spilt milk at this point. The troubles from those compartments consumed by consciousness throughout all of November, with the migraines pulsing through my head and the desire to escape from them pulling me in all sorts of directions... sigh... Even after the migraines subsided and I recognized the reaction to the meds, the chaos from those compartments continued. I am still feeling reverberations now, though the lack of migraine symptoms is making it easier to make wiser choices. 

It was ultimately the onset of Voryuul that began to bring order back to my mind. These meditations have helped, but getting back out and living with purpose have helped me even more. There's that Urglaawe mind shift lighting the way again.

However, some of those compartments are still open and their contents damaged. Some need to be closed permanently; others need to be placed into larger boxes alongside the contents of other compartments. Still others need to be shaken up and their contents transmuted into something more beneficial for myself and for others.

I know this is all cryptic; heck, that is the nature of shadow side compartmentalization. I do not foresee myself ever being free of compartmentalization. It keeps me organized within my seeming disorganization. It keeps me focused on multiple tasks at the same time. It helps me with compassion and the ability to see others' perspectives.

But it also can leave me teetering from one sentiment to another. It can lead to indecision and imbalance in interpersonal relationships, which, in turn, can bring a lot of hurt to people who do not compartmentalize the same way. 

And it can lead to me feeling alone in a crowd. It can leave me feeling like I am adrift even while people who love me are being my anchors. This is the environment in which  rootlessness thrives, and rootlessness as one of the Big Agents of Chaos, leads to all sorts of other troubles. 

Fortunately, I am not usually stuck in those types of compartments, but, when I am, it is pretty apparent that something is amiss, it is just a question of which compartment it is really in. This is solid shadow side bullshit, and I need to get past some of it.

I think the "alone in a crowd" will be the theme for tomorrow night.

Thank you all who are with me during these Voryuul shadow-side confrontations. Hail.

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